If You Want to Visit...

I think I'm too relaxed about things. I probably don't wash my hands the fifty times you are "supposed to" when handling a newborn. I don't feel the need to sterilize everything the baby touches. Recently, a friend of mine emailed me wanting to set up a visitation date. She jokingly wrote "I can't wait to hold him. You will let me, right?" Below was my response...

Since you would like to hold him, please be able to provide the following:

1) Photo identification.
2) Criminal history report with a copy of a full set of fingerprints.
3) Three letters of recommendation stating years of experience holding infants, years of education received in infant care, and psychological reports on you and your immediate and extended family members. No letters may be written by family members or friends.
4) All articles of clothing worn upon arrival must be washed three times in Dreft and cannot contain remnants of allergens. Clothes will not be provided for you if this expectation cannot be met.
5) Fingernails must be manicured so that nails do not exceed 1/16th of an inch beyond the fingertip. Clear polish only.
6) Shiny jewelry, toys, unique noise-making or any other attention getting contraption will not be tolerated and are therefore prohibited. We wouldn't want to draw his attention away from his mother now, would we?
7) Women must wear a sports bra one full size below their standard wear. This is to deter baby from trying to feed from the wrong person.
8) Men with enlarged breasts must purchase a similar item to achieve same effect as in #7(see Cosmo Kramer for "The Bro").
9) All comments regarding child must be prefaced with phrases such as "This adorable boy...", "He is so lucky because..." and "Girls will melt when they notice..." Visitors must request in writing any additional phrases they wish to preface their statements with at least 48 hours ahead of scheduled appointment.
10) All comments regarding the mother, her pregnancy and/or her post-partum state must include phrases complimenting her with such terms as "exceptional", "phenomenal", "sexy", "hot" and "inspirational".
Failure to complete any of the above will immediately result in eviction from the property and from the life of both mother and child effective immediately. I look forward to your arrival.